now vs. next

Uh oh, I can feel it creeping in...

Yep, there it is. It's that need I have to think about what's next. And I'm not talking about the Los Angeles move. It's a given that I'm constantly thinking about Los Angeles. I have to think about that, I'm packing after all!

No, it's that thinking about what could be next.

It's wondering how Los Angeles will stack up against the lifestyle I loved in New York in the winter. It's the need to compare relationships, communities, and churches to what's been familiar. It's a beginning to romanticize about the idea of moving "back East" after a few years on the West coast. And I haven't even moved there yet!

Now don't get me wrong. I think it's awesome and even necessary to be dreaming big dreams for our futures, but not when those thoughts unhealthily disconnect us from the here and now.

I would assume this struggle is something everyone experiences in life, but I think it has been magnified for me by the last four years of being on co-op. No matter what I've been doing, that thought has always been tucked somewhere in my mind. "In three months I'll be back at school." "In just a few weeks I'll be in a new city." "After this, I can't wait for..."

But now, things are different. There won't be an end date on the calendar for me to be constantly watching, thinking about what's next. And in my brief moments of clarity, that's exactly the way I want it. I want to be challenged to completely be somewhere. To be indefinitely committed to one place.

It's not going to be easy, and it will definitely take some getting used to. But if I'm able to change my mindset, I'm confident the results will be great.

I'm dreaming big dreams. Not so much for the next, but for the now.

If only I could figure out how to get myself in the mindset of taking advantage of these last two days I have here at home...